DEFINED
“You cannot let yourself be defined by what others think of you, Camelia.”
Camelia’s shoes were worn through on the big toe of her left foot. She concentrated there instead of meeting the hurt in her father’s eyes.
“Camelia.” He said her name softly and she looked up. Tears welled in the older man’s eyes. “Please help me understand.”
“I can’t.” She breathed before her own tears overflowed.
Happy Reading!
~ Eileen 🙂
So I’ve been feeling down and not motivated to write lately. I always think of cool things to write but then I think to myself, “Nah, no one will want to read that.” and so I don’t write it, and don’t share it, and promptly forget what the cool thing was that I wanted to write about.
I got an iPad mini, after wanting an iPad for years I finally got one. I researched, found, downloaded, purchased a few writing apps for my new iPad, and even have a nifty keyboard case that I’m using to type out this post right now. And still I have not posted here in a while. Why?
I started thinking about it and I know it’s fear. I love to write and many tell me I’m good and they love my work, but I still fear that my work will amount to nothing. We all fear that we are no good. And when it is something so integral to your soul as writing is to mine, I fear putting it on display for rejection. We all do, it’s human nature.
So why put it out there? Why subject myself to the imagined rejection that my writing could bring? Because just like fearing that rejection, my heart craves for vindication, for confirmation that I am worth something.
I’m a writer. I constantly have 20 books going in my head and new ideas for more are never ending. I have written since I was a child. I got accused of plagiarism in the 7th grade because my teacher just knew there was no way a kid could have written what I wrote. My Mom had to show her books and binders of my writing so she would believe that I had written it. It’s part of me and I don’t know how NOT to write. It’s always been there.
Sometimes life gets in the way and time passes without a post here. But I’m always thinking about it and now that I have my iPad, maybe typing out a post when I have a few quick moments won’t be so bad. So shower me with warm comments and keep the cold ones to yourself ’cause this is one writer who can’t stop writing.
Happy Writing!
~ Eileen 🙂
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary. I have been very sick and bed ridden for almost a week now, so I couldn’t get my husband anything. He, however, snuck down into my crafting studio and STOLE supplies to make me a lovely card. 🙂 I will forgive him.
Thinking about 10 years together with my husband has made me think of where I was 10 years ago. I was not writing anymore, having put it aside. At the time I thought I would never write again. My soul was broken not to mention my heart. They say time heals all and I am here to tell you that is a load of crap. Time heals nothing. The only thing Time does is to give you other things to think about. But those hurtful things you’re trying to cover up like a cat in a litter box are still there. There is no healing. There is only an open wound covered by a band aid that gets ripped off when a specific name, place, song, car, or word is mentioned. It’s painful and we hurry to put a fresh band aid on before anyone sees the blood.
The beauty of being broken is that you sink and are able to see the world from the bottom of the ocean. Everything moves in slow motion and nothing is as beautiful as it once was in the sun. But it has a different beauty, a dark loveliness that you learn to appreciate and accept. I am definitely not the happy girl I used to be, but I’m working on it and I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children to show me that no matter how bad some moments in my life have been, there are millions of moments more that bring joy to my heart.
Here’s to tons of happiness in the next 10 years!!
HARM
“I meant no harm.”
He was silent and stared at me for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak and his lips twisted, a precursor to what I was about to hear.
He closed his mouth and shook his head.
“I can’t believe you don’t get it.” He said.
Happy Reading!
~ Eileen 🙂
Monday, January 13, 2014
Dear Diary…
Today I am home sick from work, contemplating on my writing career such as it is. I have a day job that often hinders me from writing… only because I have to pay my bills somehow and have not become famous from my outstanding and amazing writing skills as of YET.
I did not make my usual New Year’s Resolution of losing weight this year, so perhaps that’s why I feel a little off. I haven’t posted a blog post in a while and I feel bad about that. I think posting and writing is fun and others seem to enjoy it, so I should do that more often. I try to be regular and did really good for a while, but then… SHINY! What was I saying? Oh yes, I have new shoes… What? That’s not what I was talking about before. Oh. Crap. …
So I started a new business with my bestie and business partner, Crafty Bishes. There’s my shameless plug. 🙂 We offer crafting kits, tutorials and classes in the Salem, Oregon area. But seriously, that’s part of the reason I’ve been absent from this blog and for that, I apologize.
In preparation for an event I’m doing with Crafty Bishes in April (another plug, sorry I couldn’t help myself but it does apply to what I’m about to say), I’ve been re-reading some Jane Austen novels. I love Jane’s work. I think my favorite, should I be forced at gun point to choose one (though I’m not sure why that would ever happen… ever), would be Pride and Prejudice. I just love Lizzie and Mr. Darcy. But reading these words, written in 1813, it is astounding to me that people still read and love these stories today. This year, in 2013 (oops, that’s last year..doh!), Pride and Prejudice was written 200 YEARS AGO! That is fu$%ing amazing! As a writer, it floors me to think that someone could be reading my work 200 years from now!
Sometimes I wonder why I write. I mean, it’s part of me, I always come back to writing, but WHY? Why do I do it? For fun? For money? Fame? Yes, yes, and yes. We can say we do it because we love writing, which is ultimately true, but all the writers I know would love to make money off of it. 🙂 But for me, words are fascinating. The power of words is so incredible. Advertising. The Bible. Textbooks. Love notes. Rejection letters. We all read things and those things have an affect on us. Words can make us feel, think, grieve, rejoice, condemn… they are so powerful. Both written and spoken.
So I am inspired to write something that someone will want to read 200 years from now. Here’s to an exciting and prolific prophetic productive (I knew it was a P word I was looking for!) 2014.
“What? I’m not selling anything.” The young man looked perplexed, standing on the doorstep.
“I don’t want anything for free either.” I started to close the door.
“Wait! I’m your son!” He shouted, shoving his foot in the closing door.
I stopped. “That’s preposterous! I don’t have a son. I’ve never had any children.”
“It was while you were at White Hall.”
I stopped and opened the door with a shaking hand. No one had mentioned that place to me in over 20 years.
Happy Reading!
~ Eileen 🙂
And in that moment, I realized I had defended him too much. I had come to his aid one too many times. I had trusted him way more than I should have.
The cold handcuffs clicked as they closed around my wrists and the office shoved me toward the waiting squad car. Putting his hand on my head, he put me in the car and shut the door. Tapping the hood of the car, he turned his back on me.
Hello Writers and Readers!
Happy Freebie Friday!
Here’s your free books for this Friday, ENJOY! 🙂
** Please note** At the time I am posting this message, all the books are free for the kindle version on Amazon.com. They may not be free for long, so hurry and get yours! I hope you find something you like!
1. This Shattered Land (Surviving the Dead)
5. The Handbook of Vintage Remedies
Happy Reading!
~ Eileen 🙂
Hello Writers and Readers!
Happy Freebie Friday!
Here’s your free books for this Friday, ENJOY! 🙂
** Please note** At the time I am posting this message, all the books are free for the kindle version on Amazon.com. They may not be free for long, so hurry and get yours! I hope you find something you like!
4. Nolander
Happy Reading!
~ Eileen 🙂
Eileen Maki 